Fumbling with words

I went to see the Tok Kadi today.. Ustaz Ishak. The one who is supposed to supervise my akad nikah session. I felt rather prepared, no conceit meant; pre-empted by my sister, and two of my other friends who either were or will be under him and they have all gone through the interview session with the ustaz. It all sounded pretty okay..the interviews I mean.

So before the Jumaat Prayer, we went straight to his house, along with my dad and my nosy fiancé whom I told not to follow but insisted he would anyhow. It was pretty calm at first, but I was slightly nervous, because although I may have anticipated the questions he may ask (he pretty much asks the same questions to everyone mentioned above), he didn’t look like he’d be a very lenient person. Warm face, but stern looking. There’s some irony in it. Warm but stern, yes. But that’s what he looked like. Maybe also, because my fiancé was also there with me, it made me a little jittery.

It started pretty easy at first. He asked if I wanted to get married? I suppose that was meant to establish my willingness, that I was not forced or sold into this marriage, so I said yes. Then he started asking the more serious questions.. To recite the shahadah and give its meaning, Istighfar, and selawat (say blessing unto the Prophet) each of it 3 times (expected). My voice was pretty soft, wrecking with nerves, but I aced it. Then he asked me what does it mean to Istighfar (unexpected), and I replied to ask for forgiveness from the Almighty. I apparently got that right. Then he asked me to recite the Al-Fatihah (expected). I did, faster at first and he said I’m too fast and asked me to start again, slower this time. So I started again, slower. Then came the last part (waladdha^lin) when I was done, he asked me how many harakah it requires and I fumbled a bit. But eventually I got it right, but he proceeded to tell me anyhow that if anyone reads anything less than 6 harakah it is considered wrong and you should not follow. Then he asked me to recite another Surah, at random (expected). Of all the many easy ones I can think of, the only one that stuck to my mind was Surah Ad-Dhuha. So I read it, and aced that too, until he asked what it meant (UNEXPECTED). It was to be the second time I stalled with my answer, because I did not stop fidgeting the whole time and anything even slightly ever so remotely off my expectations made me more nervous. My dad hinted with the sunat prayer in the morning and I said, “Waktu pagi”? and he nodded, saying yes, dhuha means the period in the morning between sunrise and the time before noon where the sun is right on top of the head. Then the rukun nikah (expected) and I think that was all. I’m not sure if I left anything out. All in all, it was okay, I guess, though I fidgeted the whole time at least I didn’t fail it. Although I must say, I can’t help feeling like I was asked more questions than any of the ones I know of who went to see him. With a few unexpected questions, I managed to at least get to the end of it unscathed, finally calmed a little when he was done asking.

Fiance can’t help but laugh at what a nervous wreck I’d been, and I told him, “yeah, wait till its your turn..” hihi.. Now that the most important thing is done, I can go back to settling the rest of the preparations for the wedding.

Keeping promises: Maddy and Fed

A dear friend of mine just got married. To a man named Ahmad Federel. No joke. That IS his real name.

It was held at her house in Sg Ramal; last Sunday. 26th of October is a good date, given the fact that the day after which is a Monday (that's yesterday), happens to be a Deepavali Holiday. I went down on the morning of the 25th. Fiance, at the very initial stages of planning, some months back, was supposed to come along, but he couldn't resist going on a supposedly last-time-before-the-wedding fishing trip and some other reasons. I ended up travelling down with my younger aunty Elaine, by bus.

To make it short (I'm trying here), it was probably one of the most meaningful weddings I've been to, particularly because Madiha is a dear friend. I once told her of the many friends I have so far to date, there are only two I've always felt like I needed to look out for and she is one of them. Until Fed came along and took over..

Maddy, she has always been a great friend, and by nature, a really good person as a whole. So nice is she, I used to worry people may just take advantage of her anytime they get the chance, because she's too well meaning to be suspicious. Which was the reason I felt slightly protective of her. She's taller than me, her frame probably bigger than mine, and looks so tough, you'd think I was the one who needed protecting. But I guess in more ways than one, I'm more jaded than she is of life, and therefore felt like I needed to be there for her when the world gets a little too harsh for what I felt could hurt her. But that's just a feeling though, brought on by the uncanny air of innocence she carries, as such I never really had to come to her aide, perhaps life has managed to teach her to be a tough cookie when necessary and even if it may not have been tough enough by my standard, it works for her so I guess it's okay..

The other reason it was meaningful was because this time around, i managed to meet old and long lost friends, all of which used to be very near and dear to my heart. They happen to all be girls because back in our school, I wasn't close with the guys. For many many reasons, I hadn't wanted to. And when the world was harsh on me instead, these were the peoplo who were there to help me make it through it all. Farah, Madiha, Hana, Kasya, Dayah, Zaida, Suhaida, and Aifaa, among others. My cheerleading squad back in school...

So I was pooped to the max with all the travelling and the rushing for shopping and wedding clothes tailoring appointment. I had barely enough sleep, probably just 2 and half hours max and then had to be at Maddy's place since morning that 26th October. But I was glad I made it and I got to meet with all those dear friends of mine. I hardly felt the tiredness, not until after the wedding, by which time all I wanted so badly was a pool of cold water to jump into and then bed.

I came back back home that same day, catching a ride with my sister in an army car, all sticky and uncomfortable, but I'd forgotten about it because I was so tired I slept all throughout the journey. By the time I reached home it was past 1am (i think...), and I was way too tired fr anything else but my bed. Woke up the next morning in the same clothes I had on the night before, thanking God it was a holiday.

I'm just so happy that in the hype of planning my own up and coming wedding, and naturally not able to free myself enough for all and most other weddings, I didn't miss Maddy's. I'd be totally upset if I did and knowing now the friends I would meet there, I'd be sad to think if I'd missed it.

Maddy dearest, Congratulations on your wedding. I wish you all of the bestest of life's best. You deserve only the best for all the goodness you have to offer. Wishing for you and Fed a happy married life, health, wealth, success, longevity, mostly, lasting love and happiness. I'll miss our single girls outings, but as it is I won't be single either, sometime soon. But do remember the good memories we share. And if you ever need me, I'll try to be there for you whenever, and wherever I can.

Lots of love, your friend, Emme.

In the name of LOVE

My heart beats faster, thudding hard
Only when he's around
Half nervous, whole happy, looking awed
Do little flutter sounds
As butterflies fly everywhere
Knot tingles in my belly
He doesn't realize how strong
My senses go all awry
As looking in his deep brown eyes
Leave trembles at my knees
Beneath my skin, the essence cling
Of him, of love, of peace
To know the faith in his true lover
How meaningful how special
My loving for him grows forever
As surely, strong and far surreal
No finish, no ending, never

I pray this love in its own journey
Lives on far longer than you and me
On days like these it’s easier to say
Vows and promises, to love and obey
Each breath I take, I pray for you
Your beating heart forever true
Our union, stronger, ever still
Unfaltering, indefinite, blessed in God’s will

I dedicate this acrostic (composed today -24/10/2008; 1.24pm) to my beloved fiance:

MOHD AKHMAL B OTHMAN, I LOVE YOU

HAPPY BIRTHDAY FIANCE

Its my beloved fiance's birthday today.
24.10.2008.
He is MOHD AKHMAL B OTHMAN.

There is a lot to be said about him, my only worry is mere words won't do him justice.
He means so much more to me than what I can write and say. But I can only try.

I'm reposting a post I once wrote of him, to him, for him somewhere else, and putting it here for the world to see. Trying not to be too sappy... hihi

To my FIANCE, Happy Birthday!

Mi amor, Te quiero mucho, para siempre..

* * * * *

To the man for whom my heart beats, my feelings shall remain forever true.

" Love seeketh not itself to please, nor for itself hath any care; but for another gives its ease, and builds a heaven in hell’s despair." (William Blake)

He came when I graduated from my youth’s innocence and naivety, my departure from immaturity marked by the birth of cynicism, skepticism and wariness. I was no longer the too obliging, too accepting, and too trusting girl I once was. At that first moment of introduction, he was barely an impression. He was to me, merely just another guy I crossed in my fated journey through life. But the steeled me was softened when he came knocking on my door with a sexy voice and intense care and concern.

He came when stranger feelings roam the insides of my mind. He wasn’t the first to audition for that one special place to reside in my heart, but he was the first who got the part. He came when I was not quite ambivalent nor was I confused with the mysteries of love ideals and dreamy romantics (despite being a cynic). He came when I had a deeper passion for the goals I have in life and his presence indirectly invited some changes to my plans. But his was a pleasant existence – welcomed and gratifying albeit knowing the risks and having the doubts that would sometimes to me, seemed daunting and costly. He came to give me feelings that scared me for a while. But he came in valiant and bold, and I felt only virtuous to take him just as bravely. Life is about taking a leap and hoping to fly. And I flew, with him.

He came to me as he came with emotional anguish of lost friends and broken trusts. He came all dignified though fallen and wounded. The key they said he was, thrown away in spite. But strengthened in falls and emboldened by faith that truth will prevail, he came to me with grandeur, humbled ideals, hopes, forgiveness and an ego that would fix his world and mine.
He came with soccer balls, fishing rods and hockey sticks. He came with late nights football matches, hockey tourneys, deep-sea fishing trips, jerseys, and soccer talks. He also came with band aids and plasters, bruises, sunburns and injured knees and a great deep passion for fun and risks. He was all of the things I never gave much thought to, all of the things I wasn’t looking for, but he was all of the things that pleases me and stole my heart blind.

He came with tiger balm white always in hand, and often coming in handy for him and me alike. He came with caring of a lesser being, and feline adoration. He came with brotherly instincts to his pets and other people’s younger siblings. He came full of love for life and for the living. The kind of guy any mother is proud to have as a son.

He is a gravitating figure – whose face and good sense of humour invites female adulation. He came with pained memories, bitter pasts and honesty. He came to me with small squabbles and minor rows naturally. But he also came with understanding and with sweet smiles and soothing words to make it all better again. He came to keep good care of the heart I put in his possession. He’s still keeping it well. Even when we falter sometimes, he mends it. My heart in his hands.

He came with love and touched me in ways I never thought possible. He came with reassurance and comforts of safety and reliance. He came with an unsoiled demeanor and conducts that stole my family’s hearts. He came with plans for the future. He came with practicality and rationale. He came with lessons, advices, encouragements and support. He came with all the things that make me a better person inside out.

He came all around me and made me wonder how he ever got here. He came with all the intricate little things and the great big things that he is. He came to change my world. He did and is still doing a good job at it.

And I love him for who he is and how he makes me feel. And I love him for who I am when I’m with him.

Never ending saga

Oh puh-leeze... When it comes to this guy, there seems to be no end to his craps.

Now, he's suddenly in no hurry to overthrow the government - giving the economic downturn as an excuse to justify his failure. Whatever happened to the fiery saliva-spewing speeches of disbanding the parliament SOON? That 'soon' is already a few months late oredy ley....

I bet his hard core fanatics would say he's being smart for not wanting to handle the country's economical setbacks (when that should speak volumes about his credibility, competency and responsibility) - but of course, to them nothing he says can ever be wrong even if he diproves himself again and again. Seriously... missing your over-confident internationally self-declared dead line TWICE and still thick faced enough to show yourself in public, you'd have to be absolutely shameless to be him...

I don't know whether to mock him or to pity him...

X-rays in Scotch tape?

How safe does that sound?

The yahoo! news article dated wednesday, October 22nd seemed to have concluded that there's no harm in peeling X-ray emitting Scotch tape (apparently as it is more a Physics mechanism thing than manufacturing technique, it applies to ALL Scotch tape regardless of brand). BUT, there's No guarantee...

Go on, read the article.

I failed to be excited over what possible advancement they might come up with following this discovery. Even if like they say it only works in a vacuum and that given our everyday exposure to said matter taking place in open air environment, deeming it impossible for it to be detrimental to us, the word X-ray exposure (no matter how minute the amount) doesn't sound very good to me.

But, that said, when we absolutely NEED to use it, is there any other alternative to Scotch tape? Exactly... that's us with our dependency to technology.

So, that said, I cannot say I will never ever use it.

*sigh.....*

A year older now

So, I turned 26 yesterday.

I love birthdays, whether or not it is mine. This has been established as stated at length in my post in another blog -->birthday post on friendster a year ago. Go ahead and read it, every bit of it is still true no matter what year it happens -the feelings have been constant in that sense for many years now.

Anyhow, what I'm about to write here now is possibly going to be slightly repetitional in content to that article in that other blog written a year ago but who cares. This is for the ones who are too lazy to click that link and read that post. Plus not everything in this post will be old stuff.

So like last year, I was not exactly consciously counting down the days to get to my birthday. But instead of raya, I had my coming wedding plannig to keep me occupied. So many important things to look at, I figured my birthday is the least significant event in my list of imperatives. So a few days before it was due, when a few people who vaguely remembered that my birthday's supposed to be in this October month asked me when is it, I actually had to stop, ask what date it was that day and count down to the exact day and date before I could tell exactly when my birthday is. Yeah, I did not consciously know or remember it until after a few times answering that same question. Then and only then did I myself realize it was just a few days away. I was probably even less conscious about it than I was last year. I knew it was coming but I was concentrating on some other things I thought more important I did not work up the slightest bit of hype in me about reaching a year older. Probably also cause 26 is not an exact quarter age number and seemed a lot less significant. Hihi... But seriously, it wasn't as big a deal as getting other things done. So indifferent I was, I wouldn't even consider a day break off worrying for my own birthday, yeah wedding worries had seemed more important. I guess the only thing I asked for was to have spent the day with my significant other even if all we would do is nothing special as long as it was together. Other than that, I asked for nothing else, nothing more.

Age has obviously mellowed down my need for attention cause just like previous years, I was going into my birthday with very little (close to zero) expectations what so ever, what with the wedding preparations swamping me with worries. I never saw the need to remind anyone about it before and I didn't see the need this time either - so for me it was like, yeah, yeah if they remember then they remember, if they don't then they don't. As long as no one's dying as a direct result because of it, I have no problems with going through it like any other given day. (The late Richard Carlson obviously taught me well - go read his book people). And the best part is that, because of the fact you had almost no expectations whatsoever from anyone for yourself that day, every little thing other people do or say to make you feel special, meant so so much more.

Turned out, they weren't little things that I got. They were 'mega' things. Or maybe cause I had close to zero expectations, the magnitude of my gratitude gets magnified tenfold, but honestly, even if I had high expectations, what I got would be more than enough. So you can imagine with close to zero expectations, they were way way way way way more than enough for me. So much more I felt I was walking on clouds. Euphoric even - only my composure belied the soaring feeling I felt. You'd just have to trust my words here or if you were there, involved in the whole pampering me processes, you might have read it in my smile or the twinkles in my eyes. I was blushing (cause like I said, it usually embarrasess me-in a good way of course- when I'm fussed so much about by the masses), but I was also very happy. I still am - vey much so.

I actually had 4 birthday cakes this year, bought and celebrated in my name (shared celebration or otherwise), blown candles on 3 of them and spent not a dime for any of it. Too many blessed souls in my life, too generous to show me their appreciation - and me a little shy for all of it. 4 cakes, that's like double the number of cakes I had for my birthday last year - a little too much for someone who expected so little. Even with some expectations, you don't usually get 4 cakes do you? First cake a few days before in an early shared celebration, the next two on the night of my birthday itself, the last one early this morning at office morning meeting. All except the last were shared with my significant other (whose birthday is tomorrow by the way).

Day started great as of 12am as the clock ticked its way into the first moments of 22nd October. A few wishes arrived before that, continued right after. I had to clear some immediately cause of my inbox storage space crisis. Not wanting to sound prejudiced, I'll mention no names but you know who you are, so thank you so much for remembering (even if you only know it cause you saw it in friendster), and thank you for the wishes and prayers. I wish and pray the same good things back for all of you.

Anyway, I'd like to touch on just one celebration event here. The one that worked its way into a huge surprise. That's the one organized by my parlimail buddies, with the help of my beloved fiance (who's meant to be celebrated in the same event too). I didn't know who and when exactly the planning started cause I was left out from the group email discussion thread (obviously, cause it was meant to surprise me) but they got help from my significant other whom they're celebrating together also to keep me clueless. So it was a surprise birthday party for me and not so surprising one for my other half.

My fiance did a great job concealing the whole plan from my knowledge. So I was under the impression I was going to be spending the whole day with him -which was the most I asked for so I was just happy to have him around all for myself yesterday. So after his morning work, I met up with BF for lunch in town and run a wedding prep errand together. We spent about an hour and a half together before he had to get back to work online so we went to USM after that so he could log on the net and finish work, leaving me to while the time away with Azleena in her lab. The concealing of the plan effort went on and the rest of the group did equally well even after I hung out for more than two hours in Azleena's lab, with her and Rash around to possibly screw it up, but as it was, no one did give out anything. Not the slightest bit. So good were they, they actually acted out impromptu lines to cover it up. I'm not sure how many lies were told to cover it all up but I I totally believed everything said by everyone, unsuspectingly. I was sold, hook line and sinker. I wasn't just unsuspecting you see, I was beyond clueless.

BF said after that we would spend a few more hours together but that he had plans later that night with Abg Azrul to get some fishing equipment. I wanted to fret because hey, it was my birthday was it not? Why he needed to go fishing gear shopping then of all days? But considering the fact that he made his best effort trying to be there with me on my birthday despite having to work still and knowing if I brought it up he'll just say he won't have any other day before Saturday to do it with Abg Azrul (which would be true), I didn't pressed. I, so considerate I was, resigned to the fate, choosing instead to be thankful he even made it here at all to be with me, and partly willing him to maybe change his minds eventually. At the same time, Azleena said since she and Kak Ilah didn't make it to my raya open house last Saturday why not have dinner with two of them that night. So my BF had other plans and I was offered an alternative plan, I could've said okay straight away, but I needed to confirm with BF, just in case (crossing my fingers) he changed his mind. He didn't, he was still meeting up with Abg Azrul, and asked me to just go ahead and have dinner with Azleena. I was consoled that he said he would meet me back after he's done. So I agreed for dinner with Zleenz and Kak Ilah. Why she didn't initially include the other girls or a few other viable suspicions did not cross my mind - like I said I was beyond clueless. Aca had a date with Firal, Zue had a family outing and Ruby on her way back to Kepala Batas - I bought them all.

So at 4plus pm, we went to have more carbo-stacking tea time and later to fish spa with BF (this would have to be elaborated in a separate post) and then went back to drop him off at USM so he could meet up with Abg Azrul and I with the girls. In Azleena's room, we took time getting ready and had a brief girly chats. A few more lies were strewn around here and there and I bought every bit of them no questions asked, as I continued being innocently unsuspecting. There were a few accidental give-away lines that had me a little confused, but given the highly unsuspecting position I was in, I didn't give them very much thought, so when I clarified and was told more lies to rectify it all, I again believed everything, the extent of my unsuspiciousness close to pitiful. Truly I was really really very much beyond clueless.

So we reached Marine because all of sudden, just as I was about to suggest or assumed another outlet, the girls said they were bored to go anywhere else but Marine. So to Marine we went. I was convinced to park at the front because they said it didn't feel very safe at the inner parking area as it was dark and insisted it was unsafe for girls. Truthfully, I remembered thinking that I didn't share their strong opinion on that because it has always been pretty safe to me, but I didn't challenge their argument and for some unknown reason chose to agree with them instead. Then we walked along the stretch of food outlets to the intended restaurant. When we reached there, in an apparent bid to distract me from paying attention elsewhere (which I still did not suspect), Azleena pointed to two she-male waitresses in front of the shop as we were walking to the sit-down section. By the time I reached the steps to the seating area, it would've been too late for any suspicion whatsoever. I was just surprised because right before the realization sank in, my initial thought was, "hey, these are familiar faces I'm seeing" and then a second later, "OMG, these are my friends and my BF!!!". I gaped, totally overwhelmed by surprise and wondering, "how the hell did.....bla bla bla". And then when it finally sank in I looked at Azleena and with a smile (couldn't hide that you see), I exclaimed, "You lied!!!"

Then there was the birthday song, and the pleased smug faces of sucessful co-conspirators, laughing and smiling, including of course, Aca who was supposed to be dating with Firal, and Ruby who was supposed to be halfway back home, and Zue who was supposed to have family dinner, and my BF with Abg Azrul who was supposed to be fishing gears shopping and the rest of the group who weren't even in the list of suspects, if there even was a suspect to begin with - which there wasnt. Then of course the realisations, coming out one by one, each sentence starting with,''..owh...no wonder la....bla bla bla.."

I'm not always easily duped you see. There have been similar surprises before, each time involving BF's hardest efforts. He triumphed every time (he's abviously VERY VERY GOOD AT IT- I vouch for it), some more excellently than others. but usually I would at least wonder why is all feels just a bit weird. Then there would be accidental spoilers that I would call the bluff off on straight away. But this time, even with spoilers, I was just so very unsuspecting to even be slightly imaginative. I didn't even allow wonder to crept in long enough to warrant a suspicion. I mean, you'd think I'd have learn to be more suspicious from past experiences right, but seriously, whoever expect birthday surprises every year? I know I don't. And that's probably why I was so caught off guard by it, no doubt, excellently contributed with the superb acting, scheming and lying skills of the main players. I must say, Azleena, you, just like my beloved fiance, you're good. You're really really good. To be able to sit with me for hours and pull a straight face with every lie and cover up lines you tell me, that would've been an epic struggle for most. And you did it so naturally, I couldn't even imagine any of it could be lies. To add to that, somehow, this time around I was also the most clueless, because everyone were so natural..uhuhu... A perfect 10 on the scale of cluelessness, like never before. I was wholly, without a single tiny measly bit of space for doubts, totally SURPRISED!!

Pitiful aren't I? Embarrassing too. All in a good way yes, in a way that makes me soaring-happy, but still, embarrasingly, pitifully clueless.

But if its any consolation, this is possibly one of the best most memorable birthday surprise ever!
And in my personal record of FIRSTs, this is the first birthday surprise ever that I was pitifully, wholly, and totally clueless and unsuspecting. That's also , essentially, what made it such a sucessful surprise! So congrats you guys, there's a lot to be credited for.. On a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being the least and 10 being the most excellent surprise, I give it an 11.

Therefore, I dedicate this post to you people, my wonderful parlimail buddies:

In no particular order, My BELOVED FIANCE, Azleena, Kak Ilah, Aini, Baim, Rash, Abg Azrul, Aca, Firal, Zuraini, Johnny, Ruby and Bullert (not excluding Irfan, Mas,and anyone else not mentioned), Thank you so very much for such an overwhelmingly wonderful surprise. Thank you for sharing the day. Thank you for celebrating it with me. Thank you for just being there. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! It was great, loved every moment of it. will definitely remember it, always.. MUCHAS GRACIAS AMIGOS!!

MUCH LOVE!!!