last night a single

Short post hopefully.
Last night I’m sleeping single. Tomorrow I’m a wife. Yay!
Part of me happy because its my most important day in my whole life. Another part happy because I really cannot wait to get all of this over with soon!!! VERY SOON!!!!

The journey to get to that happiness has been fraught with so much challenges. If one wants to really feel being tested, one should handle planning your own wedding. Yourself.

Its almost midnight, 11.28pm to be precise. I sneaked in upstairs alone in my room, taking a break from all the hubbub downstairs where everyone is struggling to keep their eyes open, working on things which should’ve been done yesterday. But let’s be real, since when things happen when they’re supposed to happen right? Not usually, not unless they’re forced. Probably my wedding preparation has not been previously forced enough that it has now brought us to this moment in time when everyone’s still bustling around downstairs when we should all be sleeping or chatting or resting for tomorrow.

I am slightly struggling to keep myself awake also, despite everyone telling me to go sleep because even if I do sleep, chances are, I can’t be peaceful at it.

Neway, tired or not, I am still excited about tomorrow.

Hope everything goes well tomorrow coz come tomorrow, I will not want to care whatsoever about what happens everywhere else or about anything else but how I look and feel. I should have no care at all in the world tomorrow except be happy.

Goodnight world.

Today is weird

I am no longer stressed as badly. Family has finally bucked up and started showing more support exactly fourteen days counting down to my big day. I’m guessing it must have been all the dulang hantarans and wedding favours I piled out in the hall, a silent reminder to all that time is running real short and that if nobody starts helping me out with the mountainous work load, HELL WILL BREAK LOOSE. It worked. Now, they daily sit there, hands moving, holding glue guns, making small ribbons, bending flowers, anything to keep the heap getting smaller: eyes darting back and forth between the tv screen and their hands. For once now, I no longer feel so alone preparing for my wedding.


Whatever stress I feel now are more self-imposed because of things I have to do in my to do list. Seeing my money reserves dwindling so speedily and the many unchecked items on the task list sometimes give me panic. But I am a successful procrastinator and I seem to work better under adequate amount of pressure; and money wise, well, they can never be enough anyway no matter how much you have. But daily talks with fiancé balance out any rough edges of my moods so that by the end of each day before I close my eyes to sleep, all I feel is pure contentment no matter how jumbled up my reality has been. Both of us could not hide our pleasure in counting down to our big day. I can’t wait to get this roller coaster feelings of anxiety alternating with excitement over with soon and start being a wife, hihi..


I went to have some documents printed at a cybercafe in bukit jambul this afternoon. Times like these I wish my printer at home didn’t buckled earlier cause clearly, having to get things printed elsewhere from home is such a hassle, and expensive on top of that. And I don’t have an office to misuse its printing privileges at except my mum’s and that too would be a hassle if I have to drive all the way into town just for that. Anyhow, I was trying to print when I heard this guy next to me had this unusually disturbing conversation on his cell. No I did not eavesdropped, it was more like he was broadcasting the conversation. See the CC did not have cubicles that separated each user and their computer with any thin barrier albeit a flimsy one which means, you can basically see what their screen page shows and see their faces when you hear them talk. Which means even if you hunch over to muffle your voice in a phone conversation, chances are people next to you can still hear you clearly and the rest can still see you. This guy next to me knowing the non-existent sense of privacy there, instead of choosing a different time to make that call or move outside and find a more private space, chose however to have his conversation on a loud speaker, letting the whole CC hear him. I’m not sure what he was thinking but it it didn’t make him seem or sound like a very smart person, possibly even a little off somewhere in his cerebrum : and the worse part is he is a school teacher. arent's they supposed to be sensical people even if not very smart? So basically he called his student on his cell. A female student; who judging from her voice and her response to him, seems like a very young girl, maybe 12 or 13 or 14 at the most. I may not get the whole conversation word for word (shucks! I should have recorded it!!!) but this is basically how it went in sequence and I have most of the words in place correct, just to give you a rough idea of what connotations or denotations the conversation has.

Him: Ni cikgu nak tanya ni, mak kamu marah kamu ke? Ke marah cikgu? Apa kamu ckp kat mak kamu?
Her: hmm… takdelah cikgu..
Him: bukan apa, cikgu tanak la kamu atau mak kamu pk lain. Kenapa, kamu ingat cikgu nak mintak apa2 sebagai balasan ker? Janganla pk macam tu, cikgu bagi kamu tuh supaya nak menyenangkan kamu jer bila kamu nak contact cikgu. Janganla anggap cikgu harap apa2 balasan atau nak lain. Cikgu takde maksud lain pun tau.
Her: hmm.. okay..
Him: Kenapa kamu rasa cikgu nak lain ker? Kamu rasa apa..?
Her: takdela. Takde ape2.
Him: haa.. okay janganla anggap lain tau. Cikgu bukan apa, kot kamu nak contact cikgu kat mana2 bila2 masa pun, cikgu nak menyenangkan kamu jer. Kamu bgtau la mak kamu baik2. Cikgu takde niat lain ni tau. Cikgu ikhlas. (i wonder how ikhlas...)
Her: okay.
Him: so kamu okay la ni kan? Kalo kamu okay kamu cakap aper kat cikgu nih?
Her: urm… terima kasih..
Him: Haa… sama-sama. Okay dah, jangan ingat cikgu nak lain k. Malam karang (???!!!) kamu nak kol cikgu pun bolehla, kalo nak tanya apa2. Okay. Gi blaja leklok. Bye

The whole time he was having that high pitched conversation with the voice of the girl at the receiving end of the line laughing nervously and talking very minimally back to him, I had my eyes on my screen amending my document, in my mind thinking “what a pervert!!” From the conversation, there are a few things we know and few more to imply in context. He’s a teacher. She’s his student. These cannot be more obvious. But we also know he gave her something as a present (that is conspicuously disturbing in nature of his intentions) which led on to them having this conversation. ‘That’ something could either be prepaid top-up, a postpaid account or a cell phone (because it was meant to make it easier the means for her to contact him). And him repeatedly saying he wasn’t expecting anything back in return even when the poor nervous girl said okay, sounded more like he was convincing himself of it, not anyone else; like he needed everyone to believe that his reasons for doing it is honourable and justified. Well, if anything it made me feel disgusted. So disgusted was I I didn’t even turn to have a look at his face. I just wanted to leave. Maybe that was a mistake. I should’ve looked him in the eye and gave him a disbelieving and disapproving look and remember never to send any of my kids in the future to his school. I didn’t. I printed quickly and left, feeling disconcerted, thinking what else is wrong with our education system? I pitied the girl, she sounded slightly contemptuous but very nervous – uncomfortable and impatient to end the conversation but kept at it because he was her teacher. Even when she said “terima kasih” it didn’t at all sound like she was thankful. I could imagine being her, putting down the phone and feeling sickened and revolted of the conversation I just had. Because I apparently had that experience before although not with a teacher-but a senior. Imagine her emotions when thinking about going to school the next day. poor girl..


To add to the weirdness of today, I saw a man who spit and kept his phlegm in a small round transparent Tupperware (the usual kind they sell tau foo fah in). Ugh, Disgusting! I was sitting a few feet away from him and quickly left before I puked. you gotta admit, he was being civic minded, not littering the world with his unsightly bodily fluids or discharges but it doesn’t change the fact that it’s a little eww… okay, maybe not a little, but very EEEWWWWWW!!!! but let’s not judge him. I think it’s a good way to dispose of your own shit, not dirty the world with it but your own Tupperware even if I may not do it. I just wished he’d used a non-transparent container. I cursed myself for catching that Tupperware in my sight, I’m possibly gonna have nightmares now because of it. Huhu..


But today didn’t end so badly. While asking my young auntie to buy burgers for my family (because we were late and missed the famous nasi lemak we wanted at the pasar malam), the abang burger added a free egg to one of the burgers telling my aunt to give it to the one who paid for all the burgers (we bought nine because my two brothers would need two each). He saw me giving the money to my aunt in the car because he was sitting right in front of us when I stopped the car. I turned to look at him in my gesture to say thanks, he nodded and smiled. I didn’t finish the burger. My brothers did. Hihi… but anything for free is nice isn’t it?

life at its little challenging moments

know what sucks?

17 days to my wedding and everyone around me seems to be impossible to live around with (except my dear fiance coz nowadays he's the only one who gets to listen to my whines coz i made him listen and expect him to soothe me). Sometimes I think they're purposely giving me unnecessary pressures and stresses. huhu

Then, on top of that, I had to stumble upon diary entries of my bitter history in love, of a time much less happier than now. By accident. And they don't leave a good feeling lingering because in all honesty, bad memories never really go away. they just subside for a while until they resurface. Like last night, when they did.

Add to that the fact that a newly married friend of mine who seemed very much stable and in love before her wedding just cried to me about her marriage being more of a bed of thorns instead of roses just 4 days ago. She's the only one of my friednds so far whose feelings before marriage did not get better after that (or at least the only one who actually admitted it to me).

How do all that make me feel? Nervous as hell...

i speak to dear fiance everyday. He's excited and at the same time has put some heavy thoughts about his roles and weighed the heavy responsibilities he has to shoulder as a future husband to yours truly. Sometimes I think he seems too calm for something as big as this. In fact he's doing such a great job guiding me and together urging and prepping me up, mentally and spiritually in stepping towards our sanctious union in just 17 days. I am so proud of him. He has grown so much in so little time, he has become a man so much better than he ever was, probably even better than he expected of himself.

I am excited to get married to him too. He makes me happier everyday just by talking to me (and listen to me whine more lately). But that doesn't change the fact that I still do have the jitters, probably caused by the first three reasons contained in the first three paragraphs of this post. And i think its only natural that I feel that way. Most people I know did. They just didn't tell me until after they got married and then they'll say its perfectly normal. But there are also the other half of the people who feels nothing before their marriage and they tell me that's normal too because after that it all gets better. I'm not sure which is the better feeling to have. Happy but nervous, or just plain indifferent?

oh well, as long as Im happy, i think that's safe.

to fiance, 17days more to go..

let's give our best in this okay. Love ya Hun!!

Footprints in the sand

Am compiling songs to play at my wedding when I found and fell in love with this.

Footprints in the sand.

(Leona Lewis)

You walked with me
Footprints in the sand
And helped me understand
Where I'm going

You walked with me
When I was all alone
With so much unknown
Along the way
Then I heard you say

(Chorus)
I promise you
I'm always there
When your heart is filled with sorrow
And despair
I'll carry you
When you need a friend
You'll find my footprints in the sand

I see my life
Flash across the sky
So many times have I
Been so afraid

And just when I
Have thought I'd lost my way
You gave me strength to carry on
Thats when I heard you say

(Chorus)
I promise you
I'm always there
When your heart is filled with sorrow
And despair
I'll carry you
When you need a friend
You'll find my footprints in the sand

When I'm weary
Well, I know you've been there
And I can feel you when you say

I promise you (you)
I'm always there
When your heart is filled with sadness (when your heart)
And despair (and despair)
I'll carry you
When you need a friend (need a friend)
You'll find my footprints in the sand

(I promise you)
(I'm always there)
When your heart is full of sadness (sadness)
And despair (And despair)
I'll carry you (I'll carry you)
When you need a friend
You'll find my footprints in the sand

Stressed am I

I tell myself these days, like most brides before me, being stressful is just part and parcel of wanting to get things done. I tried convincing myself its not necessarily a bad thing (is it?). Owning up to it at least helps me plan to reduce the level of stress I feel, and help me to better contain and handle my volatile temperament within me.

I confided in fiance about me being stressed. I think he knew it because he's the closest to me and that makes him more aware of me, but I told him anyway. Turns out he did know, because sometimes (more often lately), he gets to be at the brunt of my angst and anxiety; the products of my stress. I seem to be more edgy (or make that, unusually edgy) and troubled lately, and tend to jump over the smallest of reasons. I don't think I have alienated anyone yet (except maybe fiance sometimes, but he seems to absorb it well) but I dont think its the right feelings to have about things that should be making me happy and about people closely working to help prepare me for my big day. I used to be more composed outwardly, and no matter what kind of emotions I have broiling underneath the surface, my calm on the outside will soon spread within me. Lately though, even if I may still be composed on the outside, the serenity within no longer comes easily, or quickly. Thus, I’m reduced down to unhappiness, harboring feelings that no longer bring a smile to my face.

Fiance tried to be supportive of me (bless him) and offer solutions (if he manages not to get annoyed back at me first for unceremoniously biting his head off sometimes). I appreciate his efforts. Even when he’s annoyed at me for being annoyed at him, he tries hard to alleviate my agitation. Like even when he was busy with familial obligations and was unable to be with me, he still showed up to keep me company during my bridal spa session last weekend. I feel bad sometimes having to subject him to all these ugly emotional rides I have but I can’t help it. I must be lucky to have him. But I hate that I am no longer as cheerful as I was before. No I’m not bitchy. I still shut up when I’m upset with other people (most people lately it seems), still bite my tongue when I wanted to scream instead, still restrain myself from sulking when it was all I wanted to do. But because I’m stressed, feeling like I have too much on my mind and gets upset with others easily, it has caused me to seek more solitude these days, spend more time alone in my room, don’t laugh as much, even find myself smiling very rarely. I even talk less which is good in a way, but knowing me, it’s a bit odd. Then of course the other consequences like sudden loss of appetite alternating with sudden surge of appetite, fever, insomnia, and general tiredness among others. I blame myself entirely because I lose that control over my emotions. I’ve always been happy, mostly. Even when things go awfully wrong, I’m always positive in my response to crisis and disasters and will usually, eventually, successfully avert myself from utter depression and self pity. I’m addicted to happiness that even when I’m crying and sad, can still appreciate jokes and laugh in the midst of my tears and misery. But just less than a month to my wedding, I suddenly wane (suddenly because I didn’t realize when and what triggers) and seem to succumb to the negativity more speedily than I normally would and find myself bouncing back much slower. It doesn’t feel very right...

I am very excited to get married, yes, please don't get me wrong. I look forward to it, impatiently, wishing it sooner. I just don't understand how in the midst of getting to that day, i have subjected myself to constant emotional negativity. I just want to be mostly happy than sad (like before) as opposed to mostly sad than happy (like now). I am after all planning for my own wedding, to man I love dearly. I shouldn't just be mostly happy, in fact I should be entirely happy...

I hope I will still keep my emotions and my reactions to them in check. I’d hate to start alienating anyone, close families or not. They will pester, irk and stress me, no doubt because they themselves may be stressed too. Everything else too will still stress me. I just want to; and need to be able to relieve the stresses on my own, hoping I don’t stress myself too much and add on more to what I’m getting from others. I need more postive people around me. These are trying times, and I realize its during these times a lot of feelings will be hurt. I think its important that everyone try to be more positive than to be critical about things, but if I can’t control what other people do or how they react, I hope I can at least control mine.

this awful feeling....

.. that keeps me awake till very late in the night (or morning)

Now I'm still up at 2.25am when I should long since be fast asleep coz i gotta work tomorrow. Early. By 8am in town. which means I have to leave the house by 7.20am the latest when I could be sleeping in until much later.

Mental restlessness is always my precursor for imsomnia. Always..

Been in the dark for more than 2 hours just to get up now and type this in coz if I don't get it off my chest in writing (or typing), chances are, I'll be up whole night (or morning).

Okay, feel a little better already. Good night world.

This sucks... maybe not...

I'm not in my best emotional-mental condition right now (as illustrated in the last post).

To make it worse, early tomorrow morning, I have to go to work for the first time ever this year on a Saturday! just 29days! to my wedding (when I should be busy planning for my coming wedding). It's not even my work. Its a lymphoma patients' day, (you can tell, by the word lymphoma alone, this has got nothing to do with my drug or me). But in the spirit of team work, (that's the bosses way of telling us we have to work in order to excuse their absences because they, (the ones in charge of the drug) are the ones who are supposed to be here), I've to be there at Penang General Hospital to help a colleague organize it. And all I can claim is just the usual mileage. Nothing extra!?

Crap!!

Well maybe the lymphoma patients will cheer me up tomorrow. Certainly they must have it worse than me, right?

I hope I can be happy, if not for myself then at least for all these people I'm meeting tomorrow to help give them hope and happiness.

Gone going gone

I got back from work early today, got my first wedding present, ate good food, got some much needed rest (for some unknown reason i just felt so tired) and feel like I can relax and destress for once after so long - all the reasons there are to keep me happy (and I was) but I'm not. Not until now. For some reason, I find my happiness bubbles bursting before they even take off the ground to soar in the wind. They just flop and disappear on the ground. Talk about counting your chickens before they hatch! That's me, building up an extraordinarily huge excitement for something that isn't even there in the first place. How did I ever did such a mistake? I truly couldn't tell..

I cannot understand why I'm so miserable lately. And I'm not even hormonal now. But the depth of my disappointment surpasses my logic. maybe i know the source of all this sadness and i'm just in denial. maybe i don't, i'm not sure. but, somewhere at the back of my mind is absolute restlessness, festering there in a constant manner, robbing me of what possible bliss that may come my way. Maybe that's why I keep feeling tired for no reason lately, it's not physically draining me, it's mentally. And i cling to every hope of possible happiness so badly that when it cease to exist, my disappointment doubles - the act of counting my chickens when they're still mere eggs.

I'm about to be married in 29 days exactly.
I'm pretty sure I shouldn't be feeling this way.
I just don't know what went wrong.
Is this what brides-to-be go through?
I was happy all along and now, suddenly, with not so apparent reasons, i emotionally crumble, all over the place.

Yes, I do feel the stress of the wedding preparation getting to me.
I just don't think it would affect me that badly.
Maybe i pressure myself too much. maybe its all self inflicted.

I just need my stability back. Huhu...

Its a piece of junk

I'm sorry. I like Beyonce. I think she's great. I just hate her new song, 'If I were a boy". sorry if 'junk' is a strong word to refer to it, but seriously that song is just so un-classy i totally refuse to listen to it. I find myself switching the station at prelude, before she even gets to sing the very first word, which is "If.."

I mean, the music's crappy, the lyrics are oh-so-lame, and the tune of the whole song, for having such terribly awful lyrics, could at least be catchy; but its not even that. I have serious doubts about her previous seemingly good judgments now, seeing that she actually agreed to sing such a song. Had she not thought it through enough? Was she just so desperate to release a new album she paid little attention to what the songs are like? She used to be smart, or at least, judging by the songs she chose before, she sounded like she was. Now, apart from “If I were a boy”, she wants to be the first black “wonder woman” on screen too. She did realize though that wonder woman’s figure is unrealistic and for the love of all things curvaceous, she failed to relate that to her own voluptuous figure. By tradition, she’d make a terribly fat wonder woman. One must wonder if her marriage has been messing with her mind and her wit, only ever since then did she start making all these imprudent choices and statements.

Anyhow, here’s the more baffling question. What is the deal with all our local music station playing her song (yeah, that crappy song) over and over again? What are them DJs deaf? Don’t they realize how lousy it is? I don’t remember hearing anyone calling in to request for it either, and I listen to the radio most of the time because my office happens to be in my car where I spend most of the hours in the day in. How can they not realize how unclassy it is? Really, seriously.., I really couldn’t stand that song..

Well, maybe it’s just me and my impossible taste in music or more importantly lyrics (even if I happen to like all music, generally. But yeah, the lyrics usually kinda matters to me so maybe that’s my main problem with the song). Maybe most other people like that song (I find it hard to understand though). Maybe it's just me.. but.....

I hope Beyonce gets her good sense back. I do like her, still. But until then, I just can’t listen to her sing that song. Ugh…

Me, being hopelessly romantic

I usually refrain myself from blogging about my romanticism if not password protected, except for the few times when I couldn't help myself. This is because I feel certain feelings (yes, even the good ones) are not meant for just anybody to read about me, things I wish to share only with a select few. Because I'm essentially a private person. I usually blush knowing if I've let out too much of my vulnerability for the world to see, especially the world that's far removed from the one that I build around me. This blog however has no password protection application, not like another I have where I basically password protect almost every other post. But i'm here to write romantics, this time open to the world, not intended to be private and slightly unsure why I make such a decision.

I have possibly mellowed with the prospect of me becoming a wife. I may possibly become less private about how I feel because it seems, feelings and emotions have become my centerpieces of my article subjects of late. I am a romantic; people just don't know that I am. Well, now you do. Apart from many other stuff I'm made of, romantic apparently is one of it, and very much so.

These days I find myself thinking a lot about my fiance. The man I am to be married to in just a month. There's no way to describe the feelings I have about where I am now, the feeling alien but welcoming. I am happy in a way that has never been felt before. I've always been a mostly happy person, but the 'happy' I feel right now, counting down to the days of me getting hitched, this happy is a new kind of happy. A complete kind. The unpretentiously wholesome kind. Like I'm not required to smile just to prove it. Like its there even if I'm crying. You know, that kind of happy, ever present, always enveloping me whole.

No matter what I do, how dreadful my day has been, just the thought of having him in my life makes me happy, and everything else just becomes endurable. I have thought many times of how big this step is that I'm taking with him, but since the moment I agreed to do this marriage thing for real, I have not had any doubts that he is the man I want to have my future with.

I find myself constantly filled with warm memories of him, quick, usually in my repose, sometimes mid-conversation, resulting in me mentioning his name unceremoniously out of the blue. I find pleasure in talking about him, then I remember he too is a private person and will stop just as abruptly. But I cannot help myself sometimes and the people who are constantly with me would tell how my eyes twinkle when I do what I did.

I thought about how when he was younger, he was already so independent, living away from his parents, growing up with relatives that at times denied him the privilege of being an only son. It taught him security in adversity. Things I felt I had it easy when I was younger and he had to do without. At times I wish I really could’ve known him when he was younger. Wish that I could’ve been at his football games and dentist visits. I have, at one emotionally overwrought hormone-driven time, felt how wasted that I hadn’t known him sooner all those years he has existed without me in his life and him in mine. I cried over it, thinking of the 20 birthdays he has celebrated without knowing me. Now, I still think the same sometimes, imagining how regrettable it is that we missed almost a quarter of our life not crossing path. Such is the depth of my adoration for this man, I had to cry over the years I haven’t yet existed in his life.

I believe that there is something that binds me and him, all those years we never knew each other; so strong the ties we couldn’t break free even if we wanted to. In one form or another, I believe in the force that connected us whether it was back when we were in our own preschool classrooms drawing our arts and stars on the cold tiled floor, or the times we were sitting for our definitive exams that have helped chart out paths academically, even if we didn’t know it and couldn’t feel it or didn’t believe it then. I was pretty matured for my age, I’ve always believed that. And though I may not have known him, but all those pre-pubescent years, leading separate lives in our separate worlds, I may have already pledged to love a man I haven’t met. Now, that man is him.

I can’t help thinking of the many times life’s harshest tribulations had threatened to sever our relationship. It hasn’t always been easy, your own heart playing tricks on you sometimes. If I had let even any one of those times triumphed over us, he and I would’ve been history in our own lives, but even when I had wanted to walk away from all the complexity of us, for some reason I stayed and stuck by it, by us. Now instead of him being just my past, he is my present and my future.

Sometimes I watch him when he doesn’t know that I am; and whether I have good thoughts or sad thoughts then, I always felt like, I cannot not have him around. Even when we argue, all I want to do is see make him smile even if it takes my tears to make it happen. He’s the only outside person I allow myself to cry in front of. Ever since I am conscious of my adulthood and this innate sense of privacy I have about myself, unless I could not help it despite my best efforts, I have almost never allowed myself to cry in front of anyone else but him. Not even my parents, or sisters or brothers or best friends. Just him. In fact, I’m such a bawler with him I am annoyed with myself because of it. Like I couldn’t stop myself and I had to cry and be vulnerable. But with him, I’m always vulnerable. Even when I wish I could help myself, be a little stronger and stop being such a snivel, with him I couldn’t help it. I have a hobby of creating poetry for him, about him. Then there were times in the car (his or mine) when he lets me sing and joins me at it, of key, and I let him. Times he allows me to give him language lessons and then mock my accent, and I let him. He would call me with his favourite nicknames, none of which sound romantic unless it comes from him, and I let him. I let him make me believe the names are indeed romantic, sometimes pinching my nose red because he knows I hate it and wants to purposely tease me, I let him, thinking. “this is it. This is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with.” He calls me his girl, most times just ‘busuk’ although he knows I’m not even remotely that. But I let him. Sometimes, because he’s used to being in control and to a certain extent unconsciously crave it, he dictates my actions which I hate, but I let him, first, before I tell him to stop. The tiniest things and the big things, things that drive me mad or make me sigh, the things that make me smile or laugh, things that tickles and things that cause me sulk, I let him. I let him because I love him. I let him because I am his girl.

I find it hard to just pin it down to one reason when people ask me what makes me love him. I love him for a myriad of reasons, even reasons that should make me hate him, make me love him instead. I love the way he sulks when I fail to pacify him after I hurt his feelings, I love the way he chuckles when he’s nervous that I was upset, I love the way he wants to wipe my tears for me when I cry, I love the way he nags about me not careful enough about my own safety. I love how he plans my birthday surprises each year. I love the way he puts in efforts to remember our special dates and the clothes I wear, I love it that he tells me I look prettier without any make up on and he prefers me more that way, which kinda soothes me cause I don’t do make ups very well. I love the way he makes silly jokes and try to make me laugh after he just made me cry, I love how he usually offers me an ice cream when I get upset, and I love him for many more reasons I may very well run out of space trying to list it all down here. There were times too that I hate the way he does things but still, I love him for everything else. More than any other reasons, and all other reasons combined, I love him simply because he is my very best friend when no one else can be.

This is not going to be the last I will write of him, about him, about loving him. And maybe in time, when he learns to grasp the sense of pride that I have for him, maybe, he will let me do so more freely, not minding so much my previously private romanticism about him being made public. This post here is meant to compensate for the times I forget what’s important to us and upsets him. This is meant to make him smile. He will not respond to it, but he will secretly gloat that I adore him this much and just in case I don’t tell him often enough, reading this at least will let him know, I do indeed love him, so very much.

Minor sporadic stresses

I am prety swamped with tasks these days, working with another boss this week, consecutively stressed to be on my guard at all times because no matter how sporting they are (they really are sporting), the fact that their designation in the company is superior to yours, it naturally shapes your normal behaviour to being that of a subordinate, even if only slightly. Yeah we joke around, and have that mutual respect that we have among friends, but to a certain extent, they are still my boss. To a certain extent, I am expected to always be at my best at all times and they would be less willing to cut me more slack than I usually do myself. Well, I don’t slack, I’m a senior. I know better. But its having to be on my guard always and stressing about not slacking that's tiring. It's tiring even for only an hour, imagine 5 days; cause ultimately, more is expected of you as a senior. Yes I don’t slack, because my job is not exactly that hard. I mean I'd have to be terribly incompetent to slack at something as easy as what I'm doing right now. But I can and should be better than just better at it. Its expected of me. I expect that of me too. Maybe I impose these stresses on myself.

Thus my usually stress free life has been filled with some minor stresses to outdo myself constantly in trying to convince the bosses that really, them being here is unnecessary. But well, they still have to be here and I still can’t escape these trips. They have fireld work quota to fulfill and I have a regular assisted assesment to go through with them. Actually, they’re pretty fun, especially if they don't take up to 5 days to be here. 3 to 4 days are usually just nice. 5 days however gets a bit mundane and taxing, with having a superior tag you along to work and all. I’m not exactly overly stressed. Its just that nowadays I prefer not to be tied down to a rigid schedule because I could do with some personal time to run some wedding errands. That of course, has to wait now, until at least this weekend. I cannot wait till Friday gets here; because Friday is usually the end of their field trip (if not earlier) and all we usually ever do is have a good lunch with clients/or have my welfare lunch if that hasn’t been done, sit for assessment review (that’s usually fast and fun) and then chat and chat till its time for him to go back. Hardly any hard work are done. I usually get to go back early too because they usually have to be at the airport by 4pm which means by 4.20pm, I’ll be home.

I’ve another day to go till Friday. This thought alone makes me endure this constant rigidity. I really need to get back to tending to my wedding preparation needs. I have 31 more days to go before I'm due to be somebody else's wife.

Full of excuses

Of the many clients I see, there's this one doctor who is always so full of himself and makes no secret about it. In fact, each time I (and anyone else for that matter) see him, he has not once failed to broadcast repeatedly how great he is as an international medical oncologist. How he is the only competent person in the field and his expertise extended far beyond those of other clinical oncologists and how the rest are just jokers whose prescribing practices and competency are questionable, non-evidence based.

Psychologically, this of course tells you one thing, that in the abscence of other people's acknowledgement, boastfullness is a way of self-assuring himself of his worth. He uses self exalting words like being the only competent one, the best, evidence based, well informed decision making. So evidence based is he that he insisted, if any of us were to detail any updates or clinical papers, don't bother if its anything short of phase 3 trial. When we come to him with phase 3 trials, he added a criteria, that he'll listen to matured phase 3 trials, and when we come with matured phase 3 data, he settled with, "well, I'm not convinced".

Just happens he is the only one so far who's not convinced with my very good, very significant data. All the other oncologists around the world are using my drug like tap water, even the very best ones in the world. Especially the very best ones in the world; people known globally for being the Mother of breast cancer, or the Professor of Colon cancer, great names in the field of medical oncology. In fact, the more competent and intelligent they are, the more they fight to be involved in clinical trials involving my drug. And so good the data are consistently across indications that there are more than a hundred trials of it globally right now. Truth is, he just doesn't have patients to start with. He can't very well say he's convinced and not start so against all the odds, he had to say he isn't convinced.

But today, he finally said he would start a patient on my drug. Surprisingly it was based only on a case study. Not phase 4, not phase 3, not phase 2, not phase 1 and not even an extensive research paper. A mere case study of 2 patients with angiosarcoma (that's not even an approved indication for my drug to begin with). It's not that I'm not grateful (even if I can do with no new patients now coz I'm already overhitting my target), but I'm just surprised he didn't realize how he's eating his own words back. The publication apparently gave good data as in one of the two had complete remission for over 2 years and counting. the other, 8 months and counting. It finally took him a mere case study of two patients to start using it in an indication so rare, he's the only one so far who plans to do so. I'm hoping for the patient's sake, it works and she gets better survival benefit. And for his sake, this doctor will eventually realize he needs to stop making lame excuses, to step up, be a man and admit you don't have the volume of patients that will enable you to start.

But for many related reasons to the things mentioned in the first two paragraph of this post, he has announced he plans to leave the hospital for greener pastures where people respect him more as a INTERNATIONAL PROFESSIONAL MEDICAL ONCOLOGIST (in his very own words, with stresses). Apparently the current hospital management too thinks he's full of craps. As with a lot of the other players in the industry.

Oh well, I really shouldn't complain. I can tolerate him being an airhead knowing where it all comes from. Plus, if he starts, and when he does start (this is not a certainty as yet), I can only say thank you, no matter how distasteful his attitude is on the whole. He is pretty amusing, especially when you are feeling a little generous about having pity.

Sinful guilty pleasures

Whenever I eat something so devilishly rich and exquisitely delicious, I tell people it’s a sinful delicacy. I wanted to say divinely rich, but it didn’t quite complement ‘sinful’, so it became ‘devilish’; more so because the end result of such indulgence usually bears a certain degree of guilt since repentance (in the form of exercise and work outs) is something I don’t have very much will power for. Wonder if that’s why some other people call it guilty pleasures.

Anyhow, working with bosses usually leads me unfailingly towards committing myself to all these sinful delicacies, on a daily basis. Especially because we have lunch appointments with key customers almost daily and they usually consist of fine dining activities; and to add to that, each field trip with accompanying manager entitles the product specialist to a welfare dinner of which I am given the freedom to choose whatever and wherever I want to eat. Besides, the whole time bosses are around, I save considerably in terms of finance in lieu of all the meal expenses being paid for by my manager.

I chose to have my welfare meal today, only because every other lunch period has been taken up with appointments with our pampered clients. The term ‘welfare’ so understates the whole context of it all, but who cares, as long as it’s free, I don’t care if they call it compassionate even. Boss said I could have double coz I missed my last welfare the last trip back coz it was the puasa month and ever other night then was spent having dinner appointments with clients just to accommodate my eating time. So after mentally ticking off the places I’d like to go to, I settled for Sakae Sushi (peppino can wait another time).

As I sat down with my boss in tow, I realized I haven’t been there for quite some time now. It used to be one of my family’s favourite outlets. I immediately felt a sense of familiarity I missed about the place. Its cosy and I’ve always liked it there. I proceeded to order everything we ate, starting with all my favourites. The service was fast as usual and we wasted no time eating, each bite just as sinful as the other. By the time we finished, we’d been there for almost 3 hours, goading the food to slide down our digestives. I didn’t eat that much, not as much as before, but by my current portion standard, it surpassed my daily norm by quite a margin. Boss was slightly bloated as anything I didn’t finish, I pushed his way, so to help ease his sufferings, we went for a walk in jusco each in our own separate ways, easing our stomachs and pleasing our eyes. I ended buying a new set of headphones (I needed that) and after locating him in the electronics section, deep in phone conversation, I signaled him to leave. We were back to work by 3.30pm and ended up confirming another lunch appointment tomorrow (which was all we did). By 4.30pm I was on my back, stuffed and lazy. Boss too appreciated the early end of work for the day, and I couldn’t be much happier to get back home.

I’m here now typing this at home, still full from lunch. I’m skipping dinner tonight, and for now, the thought of food repel me. And the guilt I feel is halfway there, slowly sinking in.

Oh well, at least I have some repenting plans to do this weekend.

The downside is, I have another boss coming to work with me next week, all eager to fulfill their annual field trips quota before year end. Another spate of sinful soiree to attend to. Considering it all taking place within 40 days to my wedding, what bubble busters these are I reckon. So I told them next week is to be the last I would entertain anymore bosses for the year and if anymore wants to come they can either work alone or get someone else to babysit them.

But in a positive light, I get to save ample money from these, and I am now forced to submit myself to constant repenting – which is a good way to start cultivating it as a habit. Personally I wouldn’t worry so much. My stomach has in fact slightly shrunk of late and I seem to have a stronger resistance to food these days (my boss will vouch for me. Even he finds me unusually frugal on my palate).

To fiancé, really, you have no cause for concerns. Be rest assured that I am well contained within my consumption limits.

Anyways, just to spruce up this page, here are some photos of my not-so ‘welfare’ lunch.

Our station, our order screen and the view opposite us.

The usual suspects: my favourite chinmi, chawanmushi, temaki, salmon and unagi sushis and edamame.My whole plate of crabby affairs and not a pinch of crabbiness.

The most sinful dish of the day. Cheese and loads and loads of it on soft succulent chicken.

Drinks and dessert of the green tea variety.

post-script: no, i did not eat all of that on my own except for my chinmi, that plate of soft shell crabs and drinks and dessert. Everything else was shared in half and even then i push most of it to my boss. So stop giving me that mocking wide-eyed look. I'm not that horrible a sinner okay..

HAPPY BIRTHDAY...

..to my sweet brother AMIR!

God Bless him with all of the bestest of best in life.
Considering he has me as his sister, that's pretty blessed isn't it? hihi...
please excuse me and my conceit... *winks*

to my little baby sister Ezzah, yes we've wished you the best for SPM, but again, ALL THE BEST!! Do us proud! You always have!

The bullshitters bullshitting bullshits

I don't know RPK personally, but if you ask me, for many many reasons, I am not his fan even in the slightest bit. I do read his website Malaysia today and that of his colleagues and camaraderies, and I find them largely contradictory in writing with the ideals they so overzealously preach and thump-fisted into the air.

Here is a guy (among the other guys) who claims he's fighting for peace (??) and racial harmony(???) and yet his words and actions have not only wreaked havoc in the country, at times cause total chaos, it has also touched racial sentiments at the core, further divide people, and cause racial tensions to worsen like never before. (see the purple highlighted words? they don't add up do they). In fact, he and his friends have succesfully alienated and instigated everyone against each other, that most people who follow him (and them) have become so racist, up to having intent for murder. If you don't trust me, read their pages (here, here, here, and here among others) and you will realize immediately the mass bigotry they seem to condone from their readers and commentators. People using hate words about other rces, being plain bigots when they are commenting on a person they call racist. Doing the exact thing they're accusing others of doing. Oh, the irony. What racial harmony has been achieved thus far? We're all now more suspicious of each other, and no longer remember tact when discussing anything sensitively-racial in nature. We are no longer courteous.

I see a new generation of cultivated emotional people, who have become selfish and fight not for the good of others but for what they stand to gain, and so narrow minded they refuse to utilize rationality and honesty in judging black as black and white as white. Whatever comes from those they oppose no matter how positive will be viewed negatively, uncompromised. These are the same people who say they fight for the common good, are fighting for fairness and for democratic freedom of openmindedness. I'm not saying this of just one side, sometimes, both sides of the fences fall so easily into this act. We have not all become more open minded mind you, instead, we have all become one-track minded that anything the opposing person says even if he may be right, we refuse to acknowledge it.

How are better now than before? We're so much worse!!!

So the pakatan says they're different from the barisan. But the DAP still fights for the Chinese, the PAS for the Malays, the HINDRAF though not exactly officially pakatan member, has however been identified and identifying themselves with the movement still fights for the Indians and PKR still fights for Anwar Ibrahim? How is that so different from barisan? Isn't that the exact same thing, same racial based politics they accused barisan of promoting?? And none of them seems privy of the fact they throw around racist remarks in the name of freedom of speech without regards to other peoples' sensitivities, pakatan and barisan alike. And why should we illusioned ourselves of the non-existent cleanliness of the pakatan when they have worse money politics among them? if we want to blame barisan, then we should be brave enough to admit, the pakatan is not any cleaner.

don't lie to ourselves. we all fight for what will best benefit us, we dont all really care what happen to others who don't share our aspirations, we're all plain selfish. in reality, we all know, we're not equal to begin with. look around us, how equal are we? don't go very far, just ask yourself? I'm refraining myself from stating the obvious for now, but I know, I happen to be the brunt of so many acts of racism. I'm just too tactful not to trip over the expected lines of courtesy. For now.

truth is, I am not a big fan of barisan either, I do realize barisan has their many blunders. But hey, knowing there's no perfect government in the world, if I had to choose between them i'd go for the lesser evil. and the one with the lesser evil is the one who promotes less racism. (that's barisan to me). or anything without anwar in it is good enough for me.

Vile ignorance...

A few friends whom I texted today, asking for their adresses so i can send them my wedding invitation cards responded, with calls, largely guys, asking me if I'm sure I'm getting married, if I'm certain I'd made the right choice and decision. Three of them to be precise. So I asked, "why do you ask? Why wouldn't I be?" One said I don't looked like I am ready to be a wife cause I'm still young (probably illusioned by my youthful immature look), the other said, he's not sure if I'd chosen the right guy. Another said, he just wanted to make sure I am not making a rash decision to get hitched cause it's not a bed of roses and he wants to know I'm truly ready and sure I want to be with my fiance.

These are people who call themselves my good friends. While I appreciate their concerns, I don't think they're in a position that entitles them even to ever so remotely suggest such questions to me. let alone actually pose one. And I especially hate the tone they take when asking me these questions, sounding like they know me more than I do myself. Like I'm not smart enough to make the right decisions on something as big as my own marriage. I may be known for many things, but I am never rash, never about love and relationships, especially on something as important as this. Don't I know myself better? Don't I know what's best for me for a husband?

So I asked them back, "why wouldn't I be sure? I've had 5 years to think and have done enough thinking and deciding and right now I want nothing else more than I want to be married to my fiance whom I love dearly. If I'm not ready and he's not the right guy, would I do it in the first place? If you think you know me so well, go think about it, am I that stupid?". Yeah I was defensive, extremely, and to a certain point, very insulted as well. All three did not relented, with silly excuses. One of them said the amount of years I'm together are just numbers and the others had to counsel me with a whole load of crap of how I should take more time to think about it cause it's not a small step, getting married. Don't they think I know that already??

I was deeply disappointed with these people. They obviously don't know me very well and evidently, for being so ignorant and insensitive, has proven that they have no right to make such claims or statements to begin with. The most unfair thing about it all is that none of them knows my fiance very well, cause if they do, they'd be wondering why I hadn't married him sooner. If they do know him they'd have more sense about keeping their mouth shut cause they'd realize, I am marrying a man they can only hope they could be half of. Who is being rash now? They weren't merely suggesting I rethink, they asked me to do so, without even knowing the person I'm getting married to. That's just careless.

Aren't friends supposed to be happy for you and tell you all the nice things about loving another person? I'm not saying i don't appreciate some advice, but seriously if you need to give any to a soon-to-be bride, make it adequate, at the very least, tell me how i might better improve myself, tipping to the ways a guy would think and offer advice on what could help improve the relations between man and woman in general. Not this irresponsible claims of me not being mature enough to become a wife and all the other craps.

They're not even my close friends (okay maybe two of them were at one point in my life, in a time that has long passed, close to me, but now, they're far removed from that standing) so obviously they don't know how happy and so in love I am with my fiance. But to think they toyed with the idea that I may be careless making this decision is just outrageous really. They don't spend most of their past 5 years with me. My fiance does. I know him more than they could ever wish they know me. I have not loved anyone more than I have loved him, and still love him. And I've had more than enough time to think and I know damn well that I don't want to marry anyone else but him. In fact, I cant wait to be married to this man who is my fiance. And even if they don't know me well,but if they'd just try to remember by experience, they should know, I am the most sensible, most choosy, most hard to please person when it comes to picking a guy for myself.

I ended up telling them to stop talking cause all I wanted was an address, and not counselling and said goodbye, nicely, calmly, politely. If they have some sense, they'd know that they've offended me and apologized. None of them did, although they did give their addresses, but not without additional messages mirroring their earlier efforts, as if they're doing me a favour for warning me against life's possible savageries. I didn't say it's always going to be easy, everyone knows a relationship no matter how compatible, needs effort and work. But there's no one I'd rather take the leap with than my current fiance.

So you people out there, stop trying to question my readiness and decision. Stop thinking I needed more time to think about this. Stop being so insensitive, if you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all. Just stop all the carelessness, especially when you're not even entitled to be that careless in the first place.

If you're truly a friend, at the very least, you'd wish me well and pray for my happiness.

The safe Plastics

They look seemingly harmless, but research has shown how leaches can happen with plastics, resulting in the contamination of the foods that we may store in them with compounds and chemicals that may in the long run be the source of many health risks to ourselves and those dearest to us.

Here's a guide I picked up from somewhere on the net on how to choose the safest plastics for storage of food and drinks. Article courtesy of environmental journalist Lori Bongiorno.

You can identify a plastic by looking at the recycling code number that appears inside a triangle at the bottom of many containers.

Polyvinyl chloride (PVC) can leach phthalates, known male reproductive toxicants. It can be identified by code 3. One way to avoid it in the kitchen is by choosing plastic wrap made from polyethylene rather than PVC. If a box is not labeled, find a brand that is or call the manufacturer.


Polystyrene is used in Styrofoam products. It may leach styrene (a neurotoxin) when it comes into contact with hot, acidic, or fatty foods. It's marked with recycling code 6.

Polycarbonate can leach bisphenol-A (BPA), an endocrine disruptor associated with a long list of health concerns. Baby bottles, "sippy" cups, 5-gallon water jugs, and reusable beverage bottles are typically made out of this plastic. Products may be marked with recycling code 7 (also includes any plastic that doesn't fit into the 1 to 6 recycling code categories) and/or the letters "PC."


In response to the widespread concerns about BPA, baby bottles and other items made from alternative materials are springing up. Experts say stainless steel is your best bet for reusable water bottles right now. ThinkSport and Klean Kanteen are two widely available brands.


The following plastics are considered safest for food storage. Glass and stainless steel are also good options.






Polyethylene terephthalate ethylene (PETE), code 1.





High-density polyethylene (HDPE), code 2.





Low-density polyethylene (LDPE), code 4.






Polypropylene (PP), code 5.




Here are some tips for using all plastics safely:

1) Don't microwave food plastic containers. Chemicals are more likely to leach out when plastic is heated. "Microwaveable plastic" doesn't guarantee that chemicals won't leach. Cover foods in the microwave with wax paper or a plate. If you do use plastic wrap, then make sure it doesn't touch the food.

2) Avoid putting hot foods in plastic containers. Let leftovers cool off before storing them in plastic.

3 ) Take good care of plastics by not washing them with harsh chemicals, and dispose of scratched and worn containers. Research has shown that older, scratched items will leach more, says Kathleen Schuler at the Institute for Agricultural and Trade Policy. (Don't put them in the dishwasher if you want to be completely risk-averse, she suggests.)

Interested in more health related articles go here.

Bond. James Bond..

I know its The Double-O-Seven, but still, I’d like to be brutally honest about it. I feel like I owe myself an honest confession. A confession, in essence, would have to be honest, right.

Quantum of solace (I’m not sure how it got translated to ‘Ketenangan dalam dunia penuh kesengsaraan’ but it was subtitled as such), is a much anticipated Bond movie no doubt. The bubbles of excitement created over it was spilling over the rims, when it came out, people flooded the cinemas in a bid to get a glimpse before it became old news. I wasn’t impatient to catch it at the movies, but I was excited to do it soon.


And so, yesterday I did just that, together with a bunch of parlimail members back from a kenduri at marine; In my baju kurung, coz fiancé insisted he likes seeing me in one and is not happy with the idea of me changing after that for the movie. I managed to get zue to wear baju kurung to the movies too so I wasn’t feeling too out of place. Turned out a lot of people in QBMall (particularly around the GSC area) were in baju kurung and kebaya too. I’m guessing they all attended a kenduri too prior to getting there.



Back to Bond, Daniel Craig did not disappoint. He was as charming and hot as he was in Casino Royale. And the movie was great, sadly, only while it lasted. I had a good impression about it coming out the theatre, but afterwards, after the effects of all the action-grandeur scenes has settled and I had a chance to reflect back on the whole movie, I felt something lacking. I can’t put my finger on it, but there was something amiss in the way it ended, or maybe it was the storyline? I’m not sure. All I know is, coming back from the movies, the wow effect evaporated, like there was something incomplete about the movie. No doubt the action was jam-packed and superb, but really, a movie is not all just about actions. Quantum of solace aced in that area, where actions and explosions are concerned, but somewhere along the way, the plot kinda lost a bit of its direction. I was surprised I felt that way, because initially I thought it was good. Somehow the appreciation did not linger and when you sit down and think about it, imagine taking out the action scenes, what was there really? Bond seemed like he was aimlessly going about things, passion lacking, just cold and vengeful. If that was what the directors intended for the viewers, sending across the message of him being affected by his gf’s death in the previous installment, then they obviously achieved their objective, but what good is it if a viewer feels something ‘s not quite complete about it. Even if it was meant to have an open ending, suggestive of another sequel in tow, you would have to feel complete about it. Like casine royale, so the girlfriend died and the ending obviously portrayed an incoming installment in continuation but where it stopped, it felt complete. But somehow, Quantum of Solace did not provide so much the same solace.

Fiance expressed the same thing, so you see, I’m not simply trying to throw a wet blanket over it on my own. Its probably mutual for a number of other people, I don’t know. But like fiancé said, while the action was great, the plot was a little off. To quote his exact word, it was all a bit ‘huru-hara’.

Lucky the action made up for it, and not so poorly either because while it lasted, I actually thought it was great. This is not to say I did not enjoy it though, I did, while it lasted. So please watch and enjoy if you haven’t and if you have, hope the awe-effects lasted much longer for you that it did not give you any room to think otherwise. *winks*

Emotional..

...is what I am right now.

That certain time, sometimes, when nothing seems to truly be in the absolute right, and every small thing seems to annoy the hell out of me.. I'm having that now, and it's not something I can control very well either. Its nature dictated, something I used to credit myself for not falling prey to, I have now succumb to the force. Its a woman thing. Our weapon, with nature on our side, and men of the world have no choice but to excuse us for it.

I'd choose to be tougher if its an easier choice. Its not, not by any means, easy.

Alas, I found it easier to just let this tumultous emo-yoyo take over. Resist too much and you yourself crumble under all the insane hypersensitivity. The only thing I'm good at though is keeping it under radar from the masses. I may lack some lustre for life in this moment in time, but at least when you see me, yes, I may not be jumping in joy, but I believe I don't look so lifeless either.

I was overwrought with sadness, (maybe a little too extreme by normal standard, excusable only because I'm not emotionally normal right now) over a thing that, unfortunately, is not exactly small. Even if I wasn't hormonal, it would've caused me much distraught, but I am, so that effect probably more than tripled. In my head, I staggered with forced composure, failing miserably, stumbling, crying. Physically, that act ensued. I'm not in my most normal state of mind right now, fiance tried making small of it, pacifying me, to no avail. No matter what he said to make me feel better, that feeling of it being okay didn't last. Too soon I fell back into that abyss, again.

Maybe because it meant so much to me that to have lost it makes me incredibly sad I wanted to turn back time just to be able not to miss it. So badly that I wish I have a time machine at my disposal, i find it really hard to get over this particular glitch.

The only reason I'm speaking in tongues right now is because writing out the exact issue WILL only make me feel worse about it, and I am already at this point, beyond distraught I don't need it in black and white to remind me of my terrible inadequacy. I know I'll remember this for an indefinite time, regretting it deeply. But like fiance said, no matter how incredibly sad i get, its already over and done with and all I can do now is move on from here, learn to look at it in a more positive manner. He eventually proposed a solution, although not ever going to be equal in substitute, managed to ease off some of these extreme emotional melt down I'm having.

I'm still incredibly sad over it, I don't how long I'll be able to look past this, but me being incredibly sad, that I cannot help for now, exaggerated for being hormonal (it'll last, but for a while). But me trying to take it in a more positive manner and move on with not so much a heavy heart, that I can try, for my sake and his.

And I will.

Pray for me

So many things to do, so little time

I have a ton of things to do in my checklist pertaining to my wedding preparations.

I have 43 more days to go starting tomorrow.

and for the first time ever, I am starting to panic.

huhu....

Crichton's passing

Its not unusual these days to see and hear of people who die of cancer.

I am in fact working in a field selling oncology products that will benefit cancer patients whom a majority of them WILL eventually succumb to the disease. Back before my days in the pharmaceutical industry, I only know chemotherapy and radiotherapy being the only treatments for cancer. Little did I know the myriad of additional targeted therapies and new mode of drug entities that are available for treatment of cancer. These are ultra expensive, high tech, highly complicated, highly targeted therapies that even I, handling one of the best targeted therapy the world has to offer in the form of the first ever anti-angiogenic monoclonal antibody, can tell you off hand, I wouldn't be able to afford to buy (touch wood) if I ever needed it. And still all they do is prolong lives with a promise of its quality. No cure.

Yes the world may have some idea about creating a cure for cancer. New advancements and curent major clinical trials that are on are optimistic we're getting close to finding it, but as of now, NO, THERE IS STILL NO ABSOLUTE CURE FOR CANCER.

So, yesterday Michael Crichton eventually did succumb to it too.

Who is Michael Cricton? A man whose birthday is shy just a number to mine.

Remember ER? Jurassic Park? He's the guy who created these. And I happen to be a fan of both ER and JP. At the time JP was made a popular movie in 1993, I was then 11 and haven't quite gotten enough sense to warrant the eligibilty to own my own IC, but I remembered, I thought it was one of the most brilliant films around. I was totally amused by it, I probably watched it so many times, my eyes bled.

I'm not sure how I feel about this; him passing on. I just know that a great author has died and now, I must make a point to watch "The Andromeda Strain".

Democratic Obama reigns

So the USA presidential election has concluded with Barack Obama taking reigns.

USA's first black president.

Admittedly, i didn't follow closely the progress of the campaigns and all prior to the polling day, particularly because, I'm not voting for whomever is running for the candidancy as I'm not US citizen and it concerns a country that I blame most major world problems for, so really, I can't be bothered. But even without paying much attention to the news of the US presidential elections campaigns, it's hard not to know how significant and prominent Obama has been, how constantly popular he is in the headlines. There have been countless talks about him winning even before the voting day. You'd have to be incredibly painfully and pathetically out of touch with the world to not know who Obama is.

So despite not having the interest or even a remotely small spot of bother for the whole thing, I did secretly hoped Obama would win, simply because he's not a Republican. Plus, you do have to admit, whatever happens in that part of the world, will eventually leave a trail in its wake that extends into our part of the world. Because he's a Democrat, you can't help hoping he'd put a stop to all these destructions and warfares Bush's unilateralitarian admin has initiated, done and continued doing even after his popular vote came down too many notches below being respectable. He did after all mention he'll bring back a large majority of the US troops back from Iraq within 16 months in office. And then he would work on the economy that Bush helped screwed up on. These are good reasons to root up for Obama.

So even if it doesn't directly concerns and bothers me, I'm glad Obama won.

Keeping promises : Sally and Syibli

Its obviously a season of new beginnings as one by one of my dearest friends are making it official with their partners, tying the knots in a grand ceremony, celebrating love. In 46 days, I’m going to have the exact celebration too. But this post here is not about me. A week after Maddy is made a wife by law and religion, Sally has followed in her footsteps. Maddy and Sally (hey their names rhyme!), they don’t know each other, but both of them are equally important people, friends, in my life. I know them from separate places. One from upper secondary school and the other matriculations, but both of them are close friends of mine. So, last Saturday, 1st November, 2008, Sally got hitched to her fiancé (now husband) named Syibli.

I wouldn’t miss it of course. And I didn’t.

Sally, unlike Maddy, is the friend who was always doing the looking out for us instead of the other way round. The motherly type of person, nurturing more than accepting nurture. Back in matrics, I remember her being the constant coffee-making person. She’s traditionally house-wife material you see. Always offering to make tea and coffee, cook fried rice for us, cut the cake, always has a supply of food to feed the masses that made our gang. The best thing about her is her exquisite sense of humour, you can’t help but enjoy her company. We were a big group, but we were the happiest. I’m trying not to make long posts these days so I’d better stop the recollection before it gets unstoppable.

Anyway, last Saturday, picking up Tim and Yong at the bus station here in Sg Nibong (they hitched a ride with me to Bukit Selambau), we started getting ready straight away to leave because, firstly we have another pit stop to make before going to Sally’s. Being a part of Parlimail, (another group of friends) involved in a newly started charity project at an old folks home (which by the way was organized by my own beloved fiance), I was required to at least make an appearance (albeit briefly) at a follow up visit that same morning (I’m blogging this in another post okay). So I dragged both Tim and Yong along. We had breakfast with the lovely atoks before the three of us with Azleena (hired photographer of Sally and my parlimail buddy) carpooled and headed to Sg Petani around 10am. We got therein time to catch her getting made up at a bridal boutique. As Azleena started snapping away the pre-reception shots, the rest of us milled around and chatted (me doing the ultra teasing of the bride) and in between watched a Disney cartoon of Goofy and his pet cricket (it was funny- the cartoon I mean).

Back at her house, we were like the VIPs of the bride, her own official girlfriend entourage. It was a pity that out of so many of us in the gang, only Tim, Yong and I made it that day. It would’ve been so much fun if more of us could’ve made it. Anyway, Sally, though a little plump than she’d wished to be, was very beautiful as a bride (see above picture). We stayed the whole day, fussing her over and being at her beck and call. Because we were so-called VIPs, we even got called over to ‘merenjis’ (give blessing ceremony) without having been pre-empted prior to it, sally’s way of surprising us, catching us off guard. But all in all it was fun. We went back each of us getting an extra paper bag with a lot of additional tidbits. Azleena and I even managed to bring back the food (which was really good by the way).

I’m glad I was able to be there for sally on her big day. She told me countless times how she was counting on me to be there, and I couldn’t disappoint the bride who shares the same birth date like mine. Sally and Syibli, Congratulations on your marriage. God Bless your union, now, always, forever. May you have the best of health, wealth, success, and ever lasting love and happiness. Sally, remember the things I tell you. I know you’d make a great wife, we’ve known that since matrics. Have a better life, a better future. We will still see each other when we can help it okay…

Lots of love, Emme

Fumbling with words

I went to see the Tok Kadi today.. Ustaz Ishak. The one who is supposed to supervise my akad nikah session. I felt rather prepared, no conceit meant; pre-empted by my sister, and two of my other friends who either were or will be under him and they have all gone through the interview session with the ustaz. It all sounded pretty okay..the interviews I mean.

So before the Jumaat Prayer, we went straight to his house, along with my dad and my nosy fiancé whom I told not to follow but insisted he would anyhow. It was pretty calm at first, but I was slightly nervous, because although I may have anticipated the questions he may ask (he pretty much asks the same questions to everyone mentioned above), he didn’t look like he’d be a very lenient person. Warm face, but stern looking. There’s some irony in it. Warm but stern, yes. But that’s what he looked like. Maybe also, because my fiancé was also there with me, it made me a little jittery.

It started pretty easy at first. He asked if I wanted to get married? I suppose that was meant to establish my willingness, that I was not forced or sold into this marriage, so I said yes. Then he started asking the more serious questions.. To recite the shahadah and give its meaning, Istighfar, and selawat (say blessing unto the Prophet) each of it 3 times (expected). My voice was pretty soft, wrecking with nerves, but I aced it. Then he asked me what does it mean to Istighfar (unexpected), and I replied to ask for forgiveness from the Almighty. I apparently got that right. Then he asked me to recite the Al-Fatihah (expected). I did, faster at first and he said I’m too fast and asked me to start again, slower this time. So I started again, slower. Then came the last part (waladdha^lin) when I was done, he asked me how many harakah it requires and I fumbled a bit. But eventually I got it right, but he proceeded to tell me anyhow that if anyone reads anything less than 6 harakah it is considered wrong and you should not follow. Then he asked me to recite another Surah, at random (expected). Of all the many easy ones I can think of, the only one that stuck to my mind was Surah Ad-Dhuha. So I read it, and aced that too, until he asked what it meant (UNEXPECTED). It was to be the second time I stalled with my answer, because I did not stop fidgeting the whole time and anything even slightly ever so remotely off my expectations made me more nervous. My dad hinted with the sunat prayer in the morning and I said, “Waktu pagi”? and he nodded, saying yes, dhuha means the period in the morning between sunrise and the time before noon where the sun is right on top of the head. Then the rukun nikah (expected) and I think that was all. I’m not sure if I left anything out. All in all, it was okay, I guess, though I fidgeted the whole time at least I didn’t fail it. Although I must say, I can’t help feeling like I was asked more questions than any of the ones I know of who went to see him. With a few unexpected questions, I managed to at least get to the end of it unscathed, finally calmed a little when he was done asking.

Fiance can’t help but laugh at what a nervous wreck I’d been, and I told him, “yeah, wait till its your turn..” hihi.. Now that the most important thing is done, I can go back to settling the rest of the preparations for the wedding.

Keeping promises: Maddy and Fed

A dear friend of mine just got married. To a man named Ahmad Federel. No joke. That IS his real name.

It was held at her house in Sg Ramal; last Sunday. 26th of October is a good date, given the fact that the day after which is a Monday (that's yesterday), happens to be a Deepavali Holiday. I went down on the morning of the 25th. Fiance, at the very initial stages of planning, some months back, was supposed to come along, but he couldn't resist going on a supposedly last-time-before-the-wedding fishing trip and some other reasons. I ended up travelling down with my younger aunty Elaine, by bus.

To make it short (I'm trying here), it was probably one of the most meaningful weddings I've been to, particularly because Madiha is a dear friend. I once told her of the many friends I have so far to date, there are only two I've always felt like I needed to look out for and she is one of them. Until Fed came along and took over..

Maddy, she has always been a great friend, and by nature, a really good person as a whole. So nice is she, I used to worry people may just take advantage of her anytime they get the chance, because she's too well meaning to be suspicious. Which was the reason I felt slightly protective of her. She's taller than me, her frame probably bigger than mine, and looks so tough, you'd think I was the one who needed protecting. But I guess in more ways than one, I'm more jaded than she is of life, and therefore felt like I needed to be there for her when the world gets a little too harsh for what I felt could hurt her. But that's just a feeling though, brought on by the uncanny air of innocence she carries, as such I never really had to come to her aide, perhaps life has managed to teach her to be a tough cookie when necessary and even if it may not have been tough enough by my standard, it works for her so I guess it's okay..

The other reason it was meaningful was because this time around, i managed to meet old and long lost friends, all of which used to be very near and dear to my heart. They happen to all be girls because back in our school, I wasn't close with the guys. For many many reasons, I hadn't wanted to. And when the world was harsh on me instead, these were the peoplo who were there to help me make it through it all. Farah, Madiha, Hana, Kasya, Dayah, Zaida, Suhaida, and Aifaa, among others. My cheerleading squad back in school...

So I was pooped to the max with all the travelling and the rushing for shopping and wedding clothes tailoring appointment. I had barely enough sleep, probably just 2 and half hours max and then had to be at Maddy's place since morning that 26th October. But I was glad I made it and I got to meet with all those dear friends of mine. I hardly felt the tiredness, not until after the wedding, by which time all I wanted so badly was a pool of cold water to jump into and then bed.

I came back back home that same day, catching a ride with my sister in an army car, all sticky and uncomfortable, but I'd forgotten about it because I was so tired I slept all throughout the journey. By the time I reached home it was past 1am (i think...), and I was way too tired fr anything else but my bed. Woke up the next morning in the same clothes I had on the night before, thanking God it was a holiday.

I'm just so happy that in the hype of planning my own up and coming wedding, and naturally not able to free myself enough for all and most other weddings, I didn't miss Maddy's. I'd be totally upset if I did and knowing now the friends I would meet there, I'd be sad to think if I'd missed it.

Maddy dearest, Congratulations on your wedding. I wish you all of the bestest of life's best. You deserve only the best for all the goodness you have to offer. Wishing for you and Fed a happy married life, health, wealth, success, longevity, mostly, lasting love and happiness. I'll miss our single girls outings, but as it is I won't be single either, sometime soon. But do remember the good memories we share. And if you ever need me, I'll try to be there for you whenever, and wherever I can.

Lots of love, your friend, Emme.

In the name of LOVE

My heart beats faster, thudding hard
Only when he's around
Half nervous, whole happy, looking awed
Do little flutter sounds
As butterflies fly everywhere
Knot tingles in my belly
He doesn't realize how strong
My senses go all awry
As looking in his deep brown eyes
Leave trembles at my knees
Beneath my skin, the essence cling
Of him, of love, of peace
To know the faith in his true lover
How meaningful how special
My loving for him grows forever
As surely, strong and far surreal
No finish, no ending, never

I pray this love in its own journey
Lives on far longer than you and me
On days like these it’s easier to say
Vows and promises, to love and obey
Each breath I take, I pray for you
Your beating heart forever true
Our union, stronger, ever still
Unfaltering, indefinite, blessed in God’s will

I dedicate this acrostic (composed today -24/10/2008; 1.24pm) to my beloved fiance:

MOHD AKHMAL B OTHMAN, I LOVE YOU

HAPPY BIRTHDAY FIANCE

Its my beloved fiance's birthday today.
24.10.2008.
He is MOHD AKHMAL B OTHMAN.

There is a lot to be said about him, my only worry is mere words won't do him justice.
He means so much more to me than what I can write and say. But I can only try.

I'm reposting a post I once wrote of him, to him, for him somewhere else, and putting it here for the world to see. Trying not to be too sappy... hihi

To my FIANCE, Happy Birthday!

Mi amor, Te quiero mucho, para siempre..

* * * * *

To the man for whom my heart beats, my feelings shall remain forever true.

" Love seeketh not itself to please, nor for itself hath any care; but for another gives its ease, and builds a heaven in hell’s despair." (William Blake)

He came when I graduated from my youth’s innocence and naivety, my departure from immaturity marked by the birth of cynicism, skepticism and wariness. I was no longer the too obliging, too accepting, and too trusting girl I once was. At that first moment of introduction, he was barely an impression. He was to me, merely just another guy I crossed in my fated journey through life. But the steeled me was softened when he came knocking on my door with a sexy voice and intense care and concern.

He came when stranger feelings roam the insides of my mind. He wasn’t the first to audition for that one special place to reside in my heart, but he was the first who got the part. He came when I was not quite ambivalent nor was I confused with the mysteries of love ideals and dreamy romantics (despite being a cynic). He came when I had a deeper passion for the goals I have in life and his presence indirectly invited some changes to my plans. But his was a pleasant existence – welcomed and gratifying albeit knowing the risks and having the doubts that would sometimes to me, seemed daunting and costly. He came to give me feelings that scared me for a while. But he came in valiant and bold, and I felt only virtuous to take him just as bravely. Life is about taking a leap and hoping to fly. And I flew, with him.

He came to me as he came with emotional anguish of lost friends and broken trusts. He came all dignified though fallen and wounded. The key they said he was, thrown away in spite. But strengthened in falls and emboldened by faith that truth will prevail, he came to me with grandeur, humbled ideals, hopes, forgiveness and an ego that would fix his world and mine.
He came with soccer balls, fishing rods and hockey sticks. He came with late nights football matches, hockey tourneys, deep-sea fishing trips, jerseys, and soccer talks. He also came with band aids and plasters, bruises, sunburns and injured knees and a great deep passion for fun and risks. He was all of the things I never gave much thought to, all of the things I wasn’t looking for, but he was all of the things that pleases me and stole my heart blind.

He came with tiger balm white always in hand, and often coming in handy for him and me alike. He came with caring of a lesser being, and feline adoration. He came with brotherly instincts to his pets and other people’s younger siblings. He came full of love for life and for the living. The kind of guy any mother is proud to have as a son.

He is a gravitating figure – whose face and good sense of humour invites female adulation. He came with pained memories, bitter pasts and honesty. He came to me with small squabbles and minor rows naturally. But he also came with understanding and with sweet smiles and soothing words to make it all better again. He came to keep good care of the heart I put in his possession. He’s still keeping it well. Even when we falter sometimes, he mends it. My heart in his hands.

He came with love and touched me in ways I never thought possible. He came with reassurance and comforts of safety and reliance. He came with an unsoiled demeanor and conducts that stole my family’s hearts. He came with plans for the future. He came with practicality and rationale. He came with lessons, advices, encouragements and support. He came with all the things that make me a better person inside out.

He came all around me and made me wonder how he ever got here. He came with all the intricate little things and the great big things that he is. He came to change my world. He did and is still doing a good job at it.

And I love him for who he is and how he makes me feel. And I love him for who I am when I’m with him.

Never ending saga

Oh puh-leeze... When it comes to this guy, there seems to be no end to his craps.

Now, he's suddenly in no hurry to overthrow the government - giving the economic downturn as an excuse to justify his failure. Whatever happened to the fiery saliva-spewing speeches of disbanding the parliament SOON? That 'soon' is already a few months late oredy ley....

I bet his hard core fanatics would say he's being smart for not wanting to handle the country's economical setbacks (when that should speak volumes about his credibility, competency and responsibility) - but of course, to them nothing he says can ever be wrong even if he diproves himself again and again. Seriously... missing your over-confident internationally self-declared dead line TWICE and still thick faced enough to show yourself in public, you'd have to be absolutely shameless to be him...

I don't know whether to mock him or to pity him...