Stressed am I

I tell myself these days, like most brides before me, being stressful is just part and parcel of wanting to get things done. I tried convincing myself its not necessarily a bad thing (is it?). Owning up to it at least helps me plan to reduce the level of stress I feel, and help me to better contain and handle my volatile temperament within me.

I confided in fiance about me being stressed. I think he knew it because he's the closest to me and that makes him more aware of me, but I told him anyway. Turns out he did know, because sometimes (more often lately), he gets to be at the brunt of my angst and anxiety; the products of my stress. I seem to be more edgy (or make that, unusually edgy) and troubled lately, and tend to jump over the smallest of reasons. I don't think I have alienated anyone yet (except maybe fiance sometimes, but he seems to absorb it well) but I dont think its the right feelings to have about things that should be making me happy and about people closely working to help prepare me for my big day. I used to be more composed outwardly, and no matter what kind of emotions I have broiling underneath the surface, my calm on the outside will soon spread within me. Lately though, even if I may still be composed on the outside, the serenity within no longer comes easily, or quickly. Thus, I’m reduced down to unhappiness, harboring feelings that no longer bring a smile to my face.

Fiance tried to be supportive of me (bless him) and offer solutions (if he manages not to get annoyed back at me first for unceremoniously biting his head off sometimes). I appreciate his efforts. Even when he’s annoyed at me for being annoyed at him, he tries hard to alleviate my agitation. Like even when he was busy with familial obligations and was unable to be with me, he still showed up to keep me company during my bridal spa session last weekend. I feel bad sometimes having to subject him to all these ugly emotional rides I have but I can’t help it. I must be lucky to have him. But I hate that I am no longer as cheerful as I was before. No I’m not bitchy. I still shut up when I’m upset with other people (most people lately it seems), still bite my tongue when I wanted to scream instead, still restrain myself from sulking when it was all I wanted to do. But because I’m stressed, feeling like I have too much on my mind and gets upset with others easily, it has caused me to seek more solitude these days, spend more time alone in my room, don’t laugh as much, even find myself smiling very rarely. I even talk less which is good in a way, but knowing me, it’s a bit odd. Then of course the other consequences like sudden loss of appetite alternating with sudden surge of appetite, fever, insomnia, and general tiredness among others. I blame myself entirely because I lose that control over my emotions. I’ve always been happy, mostly. Even when things go awfully wrong, I’m always positive in my response to crisis and disasters and will usually, eventually, successfully avert myself from utter depression and self pity. I’m addicted to happiness that even when I’m crying and sad, can still appreciate jokes and laugh in the midst of my tears and misery. But just less than a month to my wedding, I suddenly wane (suddenly because I didn’t realize when and what triggers) and seem to succumb to the negativity more speedily than I normally would and find myself bouncing back much slower. It doesn’t feel very right...

I am very excited to get married, yes, please don't get me wrong. I look forward to it, impatiently, wishing it sooner. I just don't understand how in the midst of getting to that day, i have subjected myself to constant emotional negativity. I just want to be mostly happy than sad (like before) as opposed to mostly sad than happy (like now). I am after all planning for my own wedding, to man I love dearly. I shouldn't just be mostly happy, in fact I should be entirely happy...

I hope I will still keep my emotions and my reactions to them in check. I’d hate to start alienating anyone, close families or not. They will pester, irk and stress me, no doubt because they themselves may be stressed too. Everything else too will still stress me. I just want to; and need to be able to relieve the stresses on my own, hoping I don’t stress myself too much and add on more to what I’m getting from others. I need more postive people around me. These are trying times, and I realize its during these times a lot of feelings will be hurt. I think its important that everyone try to be more positive than to be critical about things, but if I can’t control what other people do or how they react, I hope I can at least control mine.